Damon Lindelof’s fake movie for the BP oil spill is Armageddon 2. It should be Lost 2.

Damon Lindelof recently compose a blockbuster picture treatment for the Deepwater Horizon leak . His take ? “ We ’re gon na reverse - ARMAGEDDON this dogshit and call it a continuation . ” But hold off ! J.J. Abrams did Armageddon . Here ’s our idea of what Lindelof ’s script should resemble .

Esquire asked Lindelof to transform BP ’s environmental clusterfuck into a gee - whiz popcorn thriller . Lindelof plug out Armageddoner ! , a continuation to the 1998 Bruce Willis blank space - cowboy flick / Aerosmith prom lay vehicle . Here’shis kooky pitch , and the inwardness of his premiss :

And in a series of whole awesome CGI graphics ( this affair is in 3D , bitches ) we learn that through history , GEOLOGISTS have conspired to veil the verity of our own satellite from us – that , in fact , the Earth does not have a molten core but instead , a nub make up entirely of OIL . And gird with that secret knowledge ( the Vatican should be in on this , too – let ’s tap that Da Vinci Code interview ) , pot have been racing to TAP that oil color , thus see to it our prospicient - term vigor supply and blahblahblah who gives a son of a bitch , we GET IT ! But the headline is THIS :

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Now that the centre has been tapped , it is spewing like a straw hat on shoring leave . And if it ca n’t be turn back ? The core of the satellite will empty out . And then ?

The Earth will fucking COLLAPSE ! ! !

This is all well and good , but part of me think Lindelof should go with what he knows . After all , Armageddon was more J.J. Abrams ’ brainchild . give that the Lost finale was filled with jumbo phellem , a tropic climate , and a cloud of sentient pollution , would n’t the Island be a more appropriate mount ? Join us as we reimagine ( with the last apologies to Mr. Lindelof ) the Island as a crude ( ha ! ) environmental parable :

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prospect : The inscrutable weewee oil colour rig THE LOOKING GLASS . master crude oil header honcho guy MIKHAIL BAKUNIN has been pressing the same numerical sequence — 4 8 15 16 23 42 — into the computer so the oil fishing rig does n’t explode . He is extremely bored and by chance pulls a peg out of a grenade . The oil rigging explodes .

Meanwhile , back on the mainland , respective OIL AND firm FOOD MAGNATES CHARLES WIDMORE and HUGO BOSS are losing their creative thinker over the leak .

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HUGO : This is a disaster ! I need this oil to fry my chicken !

CHARLES : No vexation , Hugo Boss . I ’ll send my tanker , the KAHANA to go investigate .

HUGO : Dude .

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burn to scene of the island . oil colour - inebriate sharks and polar bear and golden retriever are washing up on the shore of the Island . Everyone is losing their minds . Iraki torturer SAYID JARRAH picks up an OIL - gazump can of Slusho ! soda . He allow out a undivided snag .

Meanwhile , southerly conman SAWYER JAMES FORD LAFLEUR has taken off his shirt and is rub the OIL all over his body . Hello , ladies . Pan to rock and roll star HOBBITS MCGEE , who ’s charge up the OIL .

THE LAWNMOWER MANcomes run up to JACK , who is twiddling a wine bottle full of OIL between his index finger .

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LAWNMOWER MAN : Jack , I found a cork to plug the passing water , but if we remove it , all the wickedness in the man will derive stream out .

JACK vacillate for two seasons and decides to absent the cork . He does and a clustering of malevolent particular effects begin coming out . This was obviously a stupid idea !

JACK : Lawnmower Man ! This wo n’t fix the fossil oil passing water ! A bunch of angry luminance is come up out . Wait , you ’re not the Lawnmower Man !

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