Because I can not expunge the memory of meandering , judgement - wiping tedium and flabbergastation that is the fresh Thomas Jane flicker The Mutant Chronicles , I am lodging a formal but nonlegal complaint . I submit to you , good pop culture judge , the case for why The Mutant Chronicles — a feature film starring Thomas “ Punisher ” Jane and Ron “ Hellboy ” Perlman now out on DVD in Europe — is quite possibly the worst movie ever made , and therefore should be subject to an enjoining preventing it from being watched by anyone , for any reason . I believe that this blog is the right jurisdiction for this instance to be tried , and therefore it is with both graveness and care that I resign to you my argument , along with TV evidence . party TO THE CASE 1 . Plaintiff , io9 , is a brain implant with contrived intelligence who can see the future . She watched The Mutant Chronicles ( “ Mutant Chronicles ” ) over a two - day point , attempt to ingest it both with and without pharmaceutic aid . Both attempts resulted in madness , dismay , nous slapping , and ultimately a psychological torment from which she may never recoup . 2 . Defendant Mutant Chronicles is a DVD from Europe whose plot is allegedly a good one . Mutant Chronicles is described in packaging as a story of far - future Earth where 5 giant incorporated entity battle for control of scarce imagination . In the heat of conflict , they have managed to awaken alien technology buried centuries ago . This engineering science creates cool mutants , who make the whole battle between the 5 tummy potentially even more awing . DEFENDANT ’S COURSE OF CONDUCT 3 . Although the battle between 5 corporation in the far futurity would seem like a fruitful topic , and an chance to turn over into uncanny geopolitics and strange gamy - tech war , we get nothing like that . or else , we are treat to a warfare that expect just like World War I encroach warfare . Which direct to the question : Why is the Defendant taking place during World War I when : ( a ) We intelligibly see that there are planes and spaceships everywhere , which sort of vote down the role of oceanic abyss war , and ( b ) The avowedly cool setting never chair to any interesting conflict , and rather simply becomes a backdrop to a serial of deadening and pointless conversation between soldier , such as the following : 4 . Although the Defendant has superintend to secure the service of process of actors who are both talented and well - known , they are so clearly dial in their functioning that it border on hurtful . Ron Perlman plays a monk who want to apply a book known as “ the chronicles ” to shut down the mutant - making machine and emancipate Earth . His blood brother , play by John Malkovich , is some kind of important guy whose job is never define . They make design to transport some masses off of Earth , and then post Perlman on his commission . But why would this form ? And how will they ship all humans offworld ? The most flagrant exercise of how confusing and ridiculous all of this is can be found in a scene where Malkovich is literally read his strain off a exercise set of visiting card in his hands : 5 . Defendant claims to be a seeking tale full of kickass fighter enter the ruination of a mutant - clogged underground city where they will shut down the machine . And yet this seeking takes nearly an hr , most of which is devoted to long scenes of people dangling on ropes and let the cat out of the bag about the meaning of organized religion . Or running around without any explanation of where they are going and why . Moreover , Defendant add together to this confusion by ( a ) Stating that the characters must find a special key or token in the city to turn the machine on , and yet this never happens or if it does it got cut out ; and ( b ) Stopping every action succession to have Perlman say thing that are anti - profound about religion while Jane appear perplexed : CONSUMER INJURY 6 . Through the means set out in paragraph 3 through 6 , Defendant on purpose misguide , world-weary , and inflicted mental distraint upon Plaintiff . As a termination , Plaintiff was left in a state of psychological confusedness and could only moan , “ Please permit somebody stamp out mutant now , ” until she was partially restore to some color of wakefulness upon viewing this scene : Forcing Plaintiff to hold back for so long to get a decent fight tantrum is both injurious and unconventional . 7 . Defendant suggested , by using the word “ Chronic ” in his name , that perhaps this film should be watched while under the influence of marijuana . After enduring an 60 minutes of bother , Plaintiff followed Defendant ’s implied suggestion and experience even deeper mental confusion combine with unruly , hysteric laughter and a maniac desire for cheesy faggot . The making of this representation regarding “ Chronic ” constitutes a shoddy practice and is therefore outlawed . PRAYER FOR RELIEF WHEREFORE , Plaintiff io9 requests that this court : ( a ) Permanently enjoin Defendant from displaying itself , in any medium that exists now or may survive in the future , and ( b ) Award all worldly relief that will be necessary to restore the wanting fourth dimension that Plaintiff lay waste to for two consecutive night in a course . Respectfully Submitted , ANNALEE NEWITZ altogether not a legal expert in any manner , except for whatever she piece up from dally D&D with bibulous polite liberties attorneysMutant Chronicles[via IMDB ]
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