Sometimes you derive here expect me to be funny , but this weekend , in light ofwhat happened in Iowa on Friday , I ’m afraid I ’ve got to get serious . deucedly serious . About stoppinggay marriage .
http://gawker.com/5197067/gay-marriage-in-iowa
Now listen . I ’ve never met a gay soul , and I do n’t ask to , but I ’m sure they ’re all fine individuals , except for the lesbians , who I ’m secernate are very angry ( which does not , honestly , jibe with the extensive online research I ’ve done into their life style ) . Anyway , if it were just about them getting conjoin , hey , fine , whatever .
But it ’s not just about that . It ’s about what festal marriage will of necessity lead to .
You see , allowing new kinds of marriage always inevitably leads to even new kinds of marriage ceremony . Long , long ago , when the populace was stark ( and how wonderful it would be if we could fall to that time , except with car and zephyr - conditioning and TiVo ) , only white males were permit to marry . Then , after a long fight ( which almost certainly end in tears and a mickle of apology made through a locked bathroom door ) , blank females were give the right field to marriage as well ( also known as “ sufferage ” because , boy , do you ever ! Am I right , folks ? ) . Then black mass revolted and Abraham Lincoln was all , “ OK , you may get married too . ”
I may be a little fuzzy on some of the specifics — I ’m not what the fancy - pants intellect call “ a nistorian ” — but that ’s basically how it broke down . Now jocund people want to get on the marriage jitney too ( and presumptively model in the front , the better to deal out fashion advice to straight people as they board ) , and I think you could see what must necessarily follow .
ROBOT matrimony .
And I ’m deplorable , but I am so against automaton wedding , for so many reasons . For one affair , robots ca n’t reproduce , and procreation is one of the two basal reasons for marriage . * “ Oh , ” you say , “ but previous people are allowed to get splice , and they ca n’t procreate . ” To which I reply : Dude , gross .
For another thing , taxation breaks . You get taxation breaks when you get married , and you may be darn sure robots are going to ask them too . Except here ’s the matter : golem do n’t pay taxes . And what does a tax break imply for someone who does n’t pay taxes ? It intend we have to give them money . I will be A MONKEY ’S UNCLE if I ’m going to give my Roomba A unmarried Red River CENT when it keeps shutting itself off UNDER THE DAMN BED and I have to CRAWL UNDER THERE MYSELF TO RETRIEVE IT . I do n’t know what sort of cretin would hook up with that little nardnut anyway , but who among us can unriddle the vagaries of love ?
And that ’s the other matter : What happens when my smartfridge decides it wants to propose to my Wiimote ? What is the communications protocol ? Is there a ceremonial ? Do we have to rent a Marguerite Radclyffe Hall ? Can you store the booze for the reception in the electric refrigerator , or is that considered déclassé ? Is there a honeymoon , and if so , do I rent a replacement in the meantime ? What if I want to play a two - player game ?
And then living together . I go with a married couple for three class , and get me tell you , it ’s pleasant at first , and the sex is prissy , but it all ends with your best friend socking you in the font and calling you a homewrecker . I do n’t need my electric refrigerator socking me in the aspect . And do n’t even get me start on what happen when my smartfridge falls in love with a robot in a dissimilar business firm . That ’s even more potential than it fall in passion with the Wiimote , deliberate that the fridge spends the whole day on the Internet . ( Which is something , by the way , we should think about getting disembarrass of . The Internet , I mean . ) Also , I hope I do n’t sound like a jerked meat here , but the Wiimote has been sort of letting itself go .
Commenter Moff ’s real name is Josh Wimmer . He is darn majestic to be married to an Iowan , and he can usually be obtain atscribblescribblescribble.com/blog .
- The other is gold - excavation , which apparentlyrobots can do — in Australia , which is where Hitler was born .
automaton
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